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My new normal…
This is my first day of “intentional” new normal. I say “intentional” because there is nothing normal about this for me. I miss the mess. I miss the noise. I miss the chaos. My mornings are spent in silence. My days are spent trying to find something to do. Paint. Rearrange furniture. Anything to break…
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Nerves…
Why are my nerves shot when every fiber of my being tells me I’m doing the right thing? Why are my nerves shot when everyone around me is telling me I’m doing the right thing? Why are my nerves shot because I’m worried about people judging someone I love, when clearly that has never been…
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INSOMNIA!!!!!!
Ugggh! What I wouldn’t give to be able to sleep for more than three or four hours at a time. Take meds, you say? Check. The thing about medicine. Your brain is stronger than any sleep medicine, sooo.. yeah, there’s that. I’m going through a very manic stage right now. At this point, I’d take…
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No one ever said life was fair…
I currently live in a world of stolen dreams. A world where everything has been taken from me. It’s a deep, deep pain. It’s a state of vulnerability that I’ve never been in before. And until you’ve been there, you can’t possibly understand. Sympathize? Yes. Understand? No. Moments are good. But moments are fleeting. I…
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Hi. I’m Jennifer…
And I suffer from Bi-Polar. Suffer- experience or be subjected to (something bad or unpleasant). I do not suffer from mania. Mania makes my house clean and shiny. Mania makes me run circles around everyone at my job. Mania makes me productive. Now, mania might make those around me suffer, lol. I am on 100%. I…
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Awake?!?
For days, sleep eluded me. Depression is a bitch. No matter the cause. I wanted to sleep. My eyes hurt, my head hurt, everything hurt. Eventually, your body says “Nope, time to crash.” Now, everything hurts still.. and them some. It’s the dreams.. and then the awakening. Waking up to stillness. Waking up to despondency.…
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A Runner; A different point of view
She was a runner. Sometimes on emotion, sometimes on logic, but ever the runner. Even she didn’t know if she was running from herself or running from other things. Shadows? Love? For protection? Maybe she wasn’t running from anything. Perhaps she was running to something. Searching. Looking. Maybe both. She just didn’t know. How could she expect anyone else to know? Then she ran into you. Maybe by chance, maybe with intent. Nevertheless, she ran…
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Sleep?!
I lie down, to rest… But my mind will not… So, I’m awake I close my eyes, but sleep escapes them… So do tears. Hours tick by. Days. Nearly uninterupted wakefulness. In those moments of sleep, nothing more than inertia.
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Lies.. lies… lies..
I get to these points… these low points of sadness, where I simply cannot function. And I don’t know what to do with that, because depression isn’t something that I deal with on the often. I review, reflect, rewind all of it. I go from every little mistake I made to even things that I…
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Abandonment issues….
(Disclaimer: shit’s about to get real raw) Abandonment issues are a real thing. One day you wake up and realize, “yes- I do have them.” And believe me, I realized this long ago… and then I push it back and deny it. Then it hits me front and center… and then I deny it. Perhaps…