It's Hard Being a Human

Isn’t growth something we try to do everyday? Is it a mindset? Is it what we “think” we are doing, when something doesn’t work out the way we thought it should? For me, it’s all of the above. A lot of times, my growth is stunted. It’s stunted because I find myself in a rut, comfortable, or I think my way is the correct way. It’s also a mindset. If you make up your mind to do something, you’ll do it, right? Sometimes, and sometimes old habits die hard. Someone once said, “It takes 21 days to create or break a habit.” I don’t know who originally said it, and I’m not going to take the time to google it, but the person who said it to me was the Karate great, my cousin, Brian Mayes. (If you haven’t heard of him, look him up. He and his wife are so very impressive.)

I’ll be transparent. Most of my growth comes after the fact. After something didn’t go the way I had planned. After someone dies. After a relationship ends. After a change in my life, be it a job, family dynamic.. anything really. Suddenly the things that should never have mattered suddenly don’t matter. The little things. And I find myself trying those new things that I was deadset against. And what I call it, is “opening mhy mind.” But what it really is, is taking a walk outside of my comfort zone and giving up a little control that I tried to hold onto previously. And honestly, as was recently brought to my attention, maybe it’s one more thing to maintain control on. Trust me, I’m considering both as I make certain changes in my life; both physically and mentally.

Recently, I’ve been open to the fact that if my thought or sentence, begins with “If they would just…” “If she would just…” “If he would just..” that’s me trying to control the narritive. I can’t.. or shouldn’t concern myself or my behavior based on anothers behavior. Good God that’s hard. I have the hardest time not only maintaing boundries, but I self adimitting have trouble sometimes respecting boundries. Maybe that goes hand in hand, maybe it doesn’t. And what comes first? Can I not maintain them BECAUSE I can’t respect others? Or can I not respect others BECAUSE I can’t maintain them? I’m open to opinions because I need help with both.

It’s almost like being an addict, I think. I say this because I’ve never been an addict, but anyone I’ve ever personally dealt with who was or is one can tell you that I understand it more than most who have never dealt with it personally. I try to change, I want to change, I do change. And just when I get comfortable, it sneaks back on me and I find myself amid my lack of control or need to control again. I’m aware. I’m very self-aware. I’m very emotionally intelligent. But this… this I can’t figure out.