It's Hard Being a Human

My anxiety is on 100 today. Don’t get me wrong, its been on 99 for the last month, and 90 for a couple months before that. But it’s definitely at 100 today. You know that feeling where your chest is tight, your heart and mind are racing so fast they can’t keep up with each other? The feeling that you want to be doing something but you don’t want to do anything? Yeah, that’s me.

I’m not a bad person. I’m really just so currently fucked up that I can’t stand the thought of my own company, how can I expect anyone else to be able to stand it?

I lied. I think it could’ve been prevented. My therapist suggests that it was inevitable, and will be inevitable again. That I’ve got to be able to be “upfront” with my impulsivities. Tell someone, “when I’m bored (not with the person, just generalized ‘Nothing to do, im bored), I do this.” Or, “When I feel particularly insecure or need reassurance, I do this.” And the other person in my life who “gets” what I’m going through, or takes the time to understand it, is going to understand. In what world does she live in? Because I find it hard to believe any significant other of another would just be ok with it.

You got two people who both have insecurity issues for many different reasons, trying to make a life together, right? It’s bound to fall apart without communication, constant reassurance, and being okay with having to constantly reassure. Thing is, I never stopped and looked at myself long enough to see that I was insecure. Or maybe I did… I don’t know anymore.

I know that I’m broken. Broken af. I’ve spent the majority of my life lifting up broken people BECAUSE I was… am.. broken. Terrified someone is just going to leave, because they always have, and inevitably do because I am so damned intense, and I am broken, and they are broken.

All I know is in the last six months I’ve learned so much about whats going on with me. In the last three, I’ve really dug deep, and still lost, and in the last one month, I’ve honestly wanted to throw in the towel, on this digging deep thing, because it didn’t work anyway, I lost.

I own it. I lost.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRxP59ED/