It's Hard Being a Human

The last year was trying for me. I’ve always been someone to throw myself onto a knife for someone else. This past year, I’ve realized just how much it cost me. It’s always cost me. But this year, has been a wake up call.

I had a conversation with B last night. We’re so different about things, and so much the same in others. My “kindness” put a strain on my relationship… my family. It’s not the only thing that did, but it’s definitely one of them. It’s not that I wouldn’t discuss things with her, it’s the fact that even though I wanted her opinion, she felt that her opinion either didn’t matter or would cause a conflict, so she just agreed. I honestly don’t know. I’d like to think I would have been open minded… but I don’t know. I’ve always believed that if you do you good, it comes back to you. It’s only in the last six months or so that I’ve learned, yes… this is true… but sometimes the good you do, is saying “no.” Sometimes that’s good for you… sometimes it’s good for the person asking of you… but it’s still good.

She and I both love hard. Differently, but hard nonetheless. Recently she found herself in a situation where a friend she cared deeply about took her kindness for granted. She was deeply hurt. I get hurt too, but I have always chalked it up to, “I’ll get my blessing.” But her… she’s a different breed. When she loves, she loves so completely, that it crushes her when someone hurts her. It kills me. When she asked me why this happens, I really put some thought into it before I answered her. (You see, I used to always want to fix things for her. It wasn’t until recently that I finally came to the realization, that she never wanted me to fix it… she just wanted me.)

The answer: It’s not that people don’t “love us back.” It’s just that we love so purely that we expect to be loved in such pure manner. When we love, we would never use or take advantage of those that we love, so we simply don’t think others would do that to us. We are the exception to the rule.. at least with the people in OUR lives.

I can’t speak to what she will or won’t do with her recent experience. As I said, she doesn’t expose her raw heart often, so when she does, and she gets hurt, she shields it just a little bit more. But I can speak for me. I no longer feel bad or guilty for saying “no.” It cost me way too much. I am still very sympathetic and even empathetic to peoples situations. But I have to put MY situation first. My mental health simply can not deal with the situations I end up in because of someone else’s situation. Your plans don’t work out the way you think they might… and I’m the one stuck in a situation that I don’t want to be in physically, mentally, or financially. I’ve done for people and said, “You’d do the same for me.” And the fact is, most wouldn’t.

I can’t get my time back. I can’t undo the harm I’ve done to my family with this. But I can learn from it, and have, will continue to.