It's Hard Being a Human

This subject has literally been on my mind all night. So much so, that I couldn’t sleep well.

Something I struggle with is impulse control. It comes in many forms. It comes in the form of buying stuff before I think it through. It comes in the form of doing something for someone else that is really going to put me out. It comes in the form of saying things when I’m angry. And sometimes it comes in the form of just saying stuff I shouldn’t say.

While this is a symtpom of Bpd and Biplor, I refuse to use that as an excuse. My journey is overcoming my symptoms. And while I’ve done well in a lot of areass, I slip up from time to time. Relapse is part of recovery right? Maybe. But that doesn’t change the fact that your “relapse” hurts others. Maybe in the form of hurting their feelings. Maybe in the form of making them feel “less than.” Maybe in the form of disappointment. “Relapse” also affects you. Does it mean you’ve back slidden? No. But it can make you feel like you have. It can put you in a financial situation, that you may not be in had you taken the time to think of the outcome. And all of these can take a toll on you mentally. Which is why I’m sitting here at 6:30 this morning wide awake since 2:30. My conscious is on my ass because I didn’t practice impulse control. I didn’t have forthought in how what I said, would mentally affect someone else.

It happens with all of us. We say things and do things and suffer the consequences later, regretting our decisons, all because of lack of impulse control. So, why am i so stuck on it at 6:30 in the morning? Because impulse control is part of my journey of healing. And I feel like I’ve failed me, and I feel like i’ve failed those around me by my not thinking ahead.

This doesn’t define me, or my journey. I’m just going to use this to catapult me into doing better. It’s not failure if a lesson is learned, right? So for right now, I’m going to feel guilty. But I’m not going to try to “fix it.” I’m gonna let the person feel how they feel, be upset with me. I’m going to be apologetic, and the best way to be apologetic is not to do it again.